Sandy Island, R.I.P.: Global Warming Takes Another Victim

Chalk up another devastating loss to global warming: Sandy Island is no more. How can I tell Mrs. Fin, Valerie, and the kids that we will have to cancel our yearly holidays to our favourite island paradise?

No More Sandy Island: Blast You, Global Warming!!!

When interviewed at Google Maps HQ, section chief Shiv Mgumbo was flabbergasted.

"Just last week I was looking at extremely clear satellite images of Sandy Island, and now they tell me that it is no longer there?

How can people still deny global warming, when we see it happening before our very eyes? This is the very reason why we at Google support the development of wind and solar power. This is a true carbon disaster!"

It was Australian scientists who discovered the loss of the much beloved island. At first, they could not believe that it was gone:

“We were out in the Eastern Coral Sea, conducting a scientific research expedition, and when we were approaching the area of [Sandy Island],” Seton told the BBC. “We saw that our scientific maps showed there was an island there and yet the navigation charts on board the vessel showed that we had a water depth of 1,400 metres.

“The world is a constantly changing place, the Google spokesman told AFP, “and keeping on top of these changes is a never-ending endeavour.”

Of course, the island isn’t just on Google Maps, it has appeared on a large number of charts since at least 2000. _ Island R.I.P

But no more. Now, Sandy Island lies beneath 1,400 metres of saltwater, lost to all those who loved it.

So remember, boys and girls: The next time someone tells you that global warming isn't real, just remind them of the sad tale of Sandy Island. And tell them that their home town may be next.

For global warming does not only cause catastrophic rises in sea level -- such as the 1,400 metre rise above Sandy Island. It also causes unprecedented storms, floods, droughts, sexually transmitted diseases, earthquakes, and alterations in the planetary magnetic field. This is not a dress rehearsal, this is real!

Just tell them that. And when you have the time, observe a moment of silence for Sandy Island and the lost millions who once lived at over 1,400 metres higher altitude than their final resting place.

As for the Fin family, I suppose we'll have to settle for Bora Bora this year. C'est la vie.

You Didn't Build That: The Obama Guide to Parenting

This article was adapted from an earlier posting on abu al-fin


Obama's approach to tough love parenting is illustrated below, in an average American family setting. Observe, and learn.

Notice the "tough but firm" approach used by the parents to put their overly-independent daughter in her place. In Obama tough love parenting, the individual ego must be firmly suppressed whenever it shows its ugly head. "You didn't build that" is a most effective ego-disciplinary phrase, which President Obama thought of all by himself.

The priceless book: "Honey, You Didn't Build That!: President Obama's Little Red Book of Tough Love Parenting" is chock-full of other totally original sayings by the US President who is also a bringer of light.


And just to reinforce that you will not be building anything in the future -- and that everything will be built by replicators -- this Wired feature spotlights The Replicator 2 by Makerbot.

Imagine children learning to program such 3D printers to create all kinds of objects and machines. As children grow older, the "toys" they create can grow more sophisticated -- and more dangerous.

As replicating "inks" grow more varied and more capable, the limits on types of objects which can be created will retreat into the horizon. From weapons to vehicles to adventure toys to shelters and more, the list of things "you didn't build" is apt to grow very, very long.

President Putin Cements Russia's Alliance with Animal Kingdom

MOSCOW-- In a surprise announcement this morning, President Vladimir Putin announced the signing of a binding alliance between Russia and the entire animal kingdom. Al Fin was able to interview the Russian president shortly after he made his announcement.

Al Fin: President Putin, what do you hope to gain from this alliance, and how much of the animal kingdom is involved?

President Putin: Yes, I know what you western media people will say, that this just involves sheep and horses, and baby goats. But you are in for a big surprise. We are now allied with the entire animal kingdom, from the smallest to the largest, and the most deadly.

AF: But what do you hope to prove with all of this?

Putin: Have you ever ridden on a shark's back, whatever your name is?

AF: Well, no. But what benefit will the Russian people obtain from an alliance with the animal kingdom?

Putin: Finally we have found a way to force you all to do whatever we want you to do!

AF: What do you mean?

Putin: Let us say that we give you an ultimatum to abandon all your military installations. You cannot refuse. If you do, all of your animals will revolt and kill you in your sleep!

AF: But what if we don't sleep with animals?

Putin: Stupid fool whoever you are! We will send mosquitoes, flies, ticks, fleas, tiny animals too small to see. All of them carry deadly diseases that will wipe the smirks off your complacent western faces.

AF: Yes, I see. But what can you offer the animal kingdom in return for its willingness to turn against your enemies?

Putin: We have agreed to sign on to the great green global human dieoff, to reduce the non-Russian population of Earth to around 100 million, mostly in South Africa, Patagonia, and Newfoundland.

AF: Do the animals truly want to do away with almost all humans? What about domestic dogs and cats, wouldn't they object to your plan?

Putin: We had some trouble with those, but the bears, wolves, tigers, and lions soon got them back in line with the rest.

AF: What about your allies in China and India? You seem to be implying that most of their populations will have to die off.

Putin: Implying? No, you idiot! I am telling you that we and the animal kingdom have come to an agreement that leaves everyone else very little choice.

AF: Are you quite certain that the animal kingdom will do all of these things that you claim?

Putin: Do you truly wish to take that chance, whatever your name is, western propagandist?

AF: Well. Thank you very much for your time, President Putin. [Putin stomps off and mounts a crane for a publicity flight over Moscow]

Image Credits: TNR

Surviving in Your Doomsday Bunker with Power to Spare

This semi-satirical article was first published on Al Fin Potpourri blog and subsequently re-published on Al Fin Energy blog:

After the Apocalypse
After the doomsday bell tolls, you will want to have a safe hideaway, packed with your favourite foods, beverages, people, and prescription drugs. But no matter how safely your bunker is designed, you cannot survive long without a source of heating and electrical power.

Issues of energy density dictate the need for a nuclear power and heat source -- either fission or fusion. The choice seems to come down to either a small modular nuclear fission reactor -- such as the NuScale or Wilcox and Babcock models, vs one of the new scalable fusion reactor models. The Lawrenceville Plasma Physics focus fusion device pictured below, appears to be the leader of the pack in terms of timeline for proof of concept, prototype, commercial demo, and mass production.

All images below taken from Lawrenceville Plasma Physics Inc (PDF) (via) NBF

Five megawatts baseload power should be enough to supply the power and heat needs of most medium-sized doomsday communities. When living in an underground environment, it is easy to underestimate needs for space lighting and grow-lighting, as well as power for supplying pumps, compressors, blowers, fans, filtration devices, and various electronic devices.

The diagram above attempts to illustrate energy flows and losses in the focus fusion system. Operation of the reactor will be highly automated, but a certain amount of oversight will be necessary, to assure smooth function and to limit the need for unscheduled maintenance shutdowns.

Baseload power generation means that the reactor produces 5 MW at all times. Any heat and power produced above the needs of the doomsday community will converted as needed, and routed to storage or to a sink. Since the reactor utilises hydrogen and boron as fuel, a significant amount of excess power will be used to maintain hydrogen stores. The hydrogen can be used as fuel in either the focus fusion reactor, or in backup fuel cell CHP generators.

The timeline for production of the LPP focus fusion reactors is particularly optimistic, with estimates for mass production as early as 2016.

Keep in mind that US federal and state regulators are unlikely to approve these devices for sale in the US anytime within the next decade. This means that any US citizen wishing to use these reactors as backup power supplies for their home, seastead, polar outpost, or doomsday bunker, will either need to locate outside the US, or will need to find extra-legal ways of installing their nuclear fusion (or SMR fission) reactors within the borders of the US.

In the event of doomsday, it is expected that nuclear enforcement by US federal or state officials will be suspended for a number of years. In such a case, issues of survival are likely to be paramount, over issues of bureaucratic red tape.

Printing Zombies

We already have "printers" capable of printing entire houses. There is the Cornell University printer that prints 3-D flying insect robots. A Drexel University paleontologist is building dinosaur robots out of printed 3-D dinosaur bones.

An elderly woman was a recent surgical recipient of a 3-D printed replacement jawbone. And we are not that far away from printing 3-D replacement tissues and organs using tissue printers.

San Diego startup Organovo is printing muscle tissue with a 3-D printer, aiming to create working muscle.

Unlike some experimental approaches that have used ink-jet printers to deposit cells, Organovo's technology enables cells to interact with each other much the way they do in the body. They are packed tightly together and incubated, prompting them to adhere to each other and trade chemical signals. When they're printed, the cells are kept bunched together in a paste that helps them grow, migrate, and align themselves properly. ­Muscle cells, for example, orient themselves in the same direction to create tissue that can contract.

So far, Organovo has made only small pieces of tissue, but its ultimate goal is to use its 3-D printer to make complete organs for transplants. Because the organs would be printed from a patient's own cells, there would be less danger of rejection. _Technology Review

Organovo will first print human tissues of various types to be used in pharmacological research, to replace animal models and other cruder forms of testing new drugs. They will use the income from sales of these tissue models to drug companies, in order to fund their replacement organ printing research.

But do you see where all of this is leading? First you print the bones, for assembling the skeleton. Then you print the muscles, to allow movement. The organs and blood vessels are then printed and assembled together. The only thing left to add is the brain -- the robotic zombie controller.

While cognitive scientists are almost able to create a zombie brain, they are still decades away from creating a realistic human brain. You should not be discouraged by this, since as long as we remove the cannibalistic instincts of our printed zombies, and train them to be docile and obedient, they can be used for many constructive purposes.

Consider the advantages of being able to use the car-pooling lane in your daily commutes. Or just imagine the surprised looks on your friends' faces when you show up at a party in the company of 2 or 3 zombies who look and are dressed exactly like you!

Just think of the many uses to which trial lawyers could put these zombies in class action lawsuits! Imagine the sympathy they could induce in naive jurors who didn't know any better. Why, one might even be elected president of the USA! It would not be unprecedented.

Anyway, give it some thought. We may not be that far away from such a brave new world, and you want to be prepared.

First published at Al Fin Potpourri

The Great Wall of Canada

The USA Is Already Lost, But Canada Can Still Be Saved!

Top-secret plans are afoot to build a giant wall of carbon purification along the entire length of the Canada - USA border. A prototype wall section built by Carbon Engineering of Calgary demonstrates what such a wall might look like.

Great Wall Section Prototype

Great Wall Route
The technology incorporated into the Great Wall of Canada will be fairly straightforward. Special carbon-capture liquids will be pumped through atmospheric-contact channels, automatically removing the deadly demon gas CO2 from our precious common breathing gases. The carbon will then be removed from the capture liquid, freeing it up for another cycle.

The Great Wall of Canada would be but a first-line defense, of course. Smaller carbon purifying units would be located near large population and industrial zones, for added life-saving protection.

As noted above, the USA is already lost to toxic, acidifying levels of the demon gas. But if we work quickly, we can still save Canada from the demonic forces that threaten most of the rest of the world.

We should consider the Great Wall Project as the first in a series of protective measures against the widespread decay that is destroying large parts of Europe and North America. And thanks to massive resources of coal, gas, bitumens, and crude oil, we can afford to build such a wall, coast to coast. And thanks to our friends from China, for pitching in.

Remember, in the new age of climate change, southern Canada will be the new Arizona and Florida. There will be no need for winter migrations to the south any longer. We need to learn to watch out for ourselves, now.

As for our neighbors to the south, we are willing to sell our carbon purification technology to them, but they must be prepared to pay the full price. We recommend that they start by building a wall along their own southern border, and take it from there.

Escaping the Zombie Apocalypse By Air

Zombie Safe House Contest
The above entry in the "Zombie Safe House Contest" presents a way of being above it all, sustainably. The project even utilises zombies as an energy and fuel source.

SlashgearIn the image above, you can see a mass airborne exodus from the zombie zone, enabled by the massive 3,000 passenger nuclear mother-ship. The advantage of the nuclear mothership is its ability to stay airborne for years at a time, acting as a shuttle between zombie-safe zones. Lesser aircraft are able to land on the deck of the mothership, dropping off and picking up passengers to and from safe landing zones.

Here you see a large airship arriving at a safe zone, far from the zombie infested cities. It is ready to discharge freight and passengers, in preparation for another rescue mission to the danger zone.

Here you see a smaller escape vehicle, meant for both personal and family escape. It can also be used as a short and intermediate range scouting craft, to provide advance warning to the safe zones, in case of possible zombie incursions.

Here you see the Eurocopter flying car, currently only available to upper level EU officials, for rapid zombie escape. The EU hopes to be able to make the escape vehicle available to ordinary Europeans before it is too late.

Originally published on Al Fin Potpourri

A Public Service Announcement from President Obama

My Fellow Americans:

I am very aware of the pain that many of you are feeling, with no jobs, no income, no health insurance. My administration is doing everything it can to help the economy recover from the Bush years. Some recent job openings have come to my attention while I was watching news coverage for next week's SuperBowl in Texas. It seems that thousands of people are needed for high paying jobs as "prole dancers" in the Dallas - Ft. Worth area over the next several days.

I had never heard of prole dancing before, but it seems clear that it involves some form of rhythmic movement set to music, performed by white trailer trash performers -- a group currently suffering particularly high unemployment.

After researching the topic on the internet, I can see that I was correct. It looks quite easy to do, and there are many tutorials available on the internet. Here is one:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Michelle has informed me that prole dancing can also be used as a workout program, for losing weight and gaining fitness. That is most fortunate, since one sees far too many fat proles walking the streets these days. Disgusting.

Here is more information about the use of prole dancing as a fitness tool:

TV & Movie Spoofs Channel
Tags: Atom.com | Funny Videos | Tournament | Upload

Thank you for your attention. And I hope this will put an end to all of the accusations against this administration, that it doesn't care about proles or white trailer trash. Because we certainly do, and this announcement is proof of it.

Eh? What's that Rahm? You say it's called "pole dancing", not "prole dancing?" Anyone can do it -- not just trailer trash? Oh. Well, then. Never mind.

Goat-Smelling Desert Dwellers Confused by Brasilian Interference

ImageSource

For many years, the All-Peninsular Goat-Smelling Mooch Award has been won by either Ahmed or Abdul. (It should be noted that the word "mooch" means something different in Arabic, being more linguistically akin to the Yiddish word "mensch".) Al Fin traveled to the peninsula to interview Abdul and Ahmed, the most highly skilled goat-smellers in peninsular history, to question them about Brasil's latest interference in the goat genome, and the implications this may have for their profession in the future.

Al Fin: Thank you very much, Abdul and Ahmed, for meeting with me today.

Ahmed and Abdul in unison: Salaam aleikum, Al.

AF: Wa aleikum salaam. I'll start with Abdul first. What do you think about Brasil's interference with goat genetics?

Abdul: It is a serious problem, Al. These interfered goats do not smell the same as a natural goat. It gives me a headache to think what these cursed Brasilian scientists are doing.

AF: I understand that some goat-smellers are worried that the Brasilians will insert some pig genes into their goats, and then release the pig-goats into peninsular herds to inter-breed with natural goats. Ahmed, what have you heard in that regard?

Ahmed: I was enraged when the imam announced this outrage at Friday noon prayer. We rushed into the streets with hands full of stones, looking for infidels and perverts. Fortunately we found a woman walking without a veil, with her head uncovered. It would have been a shame to waste the stones.

AF: I see. But can't you tell the difference in smell between natural goats and Brasil-interfered goats? Wouldn't such a thing lead to greater demand for goat-smellers, and higher profits for you?

Abdul: No, Al, you don't understand. Just to smell such a pig-goat would contaminate a goat smeller so that he could not go to mosque without enduring a prolonged purification ritual over a period of many days. Many of our best clients would be reluctant to hire us with such a taint over our heads.

AF: Hmmm. What do you intend to do, then?

Ahmed: We must declare jihad against the Brasilian scientists and destroy their laboratories before they can achieve their blasphemous goals.

AF: But what about all the good things that could come from the transgenic goat programs? Destroying the laboratories may prevent some important medical breakthroughs.

Abdul: Not our problem, Al. We must do what we must do.

AF: So. Thanks for meeting with me today Abdul and Ahmed.

A&A: As Salaamu Aleikum, Al.

Technology Review article about transgenic goat experiments in Brazil

Secret Undersea Alien Base Discovered by Satellite!

Map Source

We have no way of knowing how long the top-secret undersea alien base has existed off the coast of South America. In the top image, you can see a standard map of South America, which does not indicate the location of the base.

Below, you can see a regular night-time satellite image of the night lights of South America. There is likewise no indication of anything amiss. No unusual illumination or energy source whatsoever.

Geology.com

Classified Image -- Need to Know Only

But when you take a time-lapse night-time image with special anti-cloak filtering, the unearthly energy emissions from the undersea alien base seem to jump right off the screen! Look just off the Atlantic coast of Argentina -- on the seafloor between Argentina and the Falkland Islands.

The emissions are characteristic of mixed energies from fusion, anti-matter, micro-singularity, and trans-dimensional wormhole radiation sources. In amplitude, the emissions easily eclipse the illumination of Buenos Aires, Rio de Janeiro, and Sao Paolo combined! But without special optics, radiation detectors, and classified filters, it would have been impossible to detect this gigantic undersea base.

Theoretically, it would be up to Argentina (and perhaps the UK) to deal with this unknown threat, but after several years of catastrophic mismanagement under the Kirchner family of autocrats, Argentina is in no condition to defend itself against an invasion of Emperor Penguins, much less a highly advanced civilisation from another galaxy.

It will take the mainstream media considerable time to catch up to us on this story. As soon as they find out about it they will no doubt be under a severe global security blackout from the UN World Government -- which is the only earthly power able to meet this threat head-on.

Cross your fingers, Earth citizens, and trust that your betters know exactly what to do to guarantee your safety, and that of your posterity.

Outraged Feminists Protest Angrily Outside Brian Wang's Silicon Valley Offices

Angry feminists are staging 24 hour protests outside the Silicon Valley offices of noted blogger Brian Wang. Al Fin -- disguised as an ugly woman in order to fit in, and speaking in a falsetto pitch -- managed to interview a few of the protestors. Approaching a small cluster of particularly angry-looking feminists:

AF (holding up a clenched fist):Equality! What is this all about, sisters?

Bambi: We're protesting that sexist pig Brian Wang! He's promoting the genocide of females on his blog.

AF: Disgusting! Where can I read what that sexist pig says?

Dawn: It's all right there in black and white! Read it for yourself.

AF (reading the webpage on Bambi's IPhone): You mean here where he talks about a laser that can be programmed to kill only female mosquitoes?

Candi: That's right! It leaves the males alone and only kills the females! Sexist pig!

AF: But only female mosquitoes bite and spread diseases like malaria and yellow fever. What harm can the males do if there are no females left to breed with? Besides, they're only mosquitoes.

Dawn: Sure, they start with just mosquitoes. Then they move up the animal chain to human females. It always starts innocently enough.

AF: What do you plan to do to Brian Wang? He is only reporting the story. He's just a blogger, albeit quite widely-read and well respected.

Bambi: We've got to make an example out of anyone who is willing to spread the news of this sexist genocide without condemning it outright. He's just so damned clinical about it, as if it were a good thing! He's got to pay -- Hey! That looks like beard stubble under your makeup! (grabs at AF's crotch)

AF (dancing nimbly out of reach): Thank you so much for expressing your point of view, sisters. Equality! (hurries away to getaway car)

Mr. Myhrvold said he thinks there is particular potential in the Blu-ray laser technology, because blue lasers are more powerful than red ones and there are a lot of them being made cheaply now.

He estimates that the devices could potentially cost as little $50, depending on the volume of demand. However, his company would not manufacture them. Rather, it built the technology mostly as a proof of concept. (Among other things, his company is also working on cooking technology.) Other companies would have to take the laser technologies to market, so the timeline for seeing the lasers in common use is uncertain.

The laser detection is so precise that it can specify the species, and even the gender, of the mosquito being targeted. “The women are bigger. They beat at a lower frequencies,” Mr. Myhrvold said. Since it is only the female mosquitoes who bite humans, for the sake of efficiency, his system would leave the males alone. _BrianWang

Shocking Climate Scandal Finally Revealed

ImageSource
Hackers have broken into the US Postal Service email servers to discover a shocking conspiracy to coverup the real cause of climate change: inflation in US Postal charges over the past 100 years!

It may take years to sort through the incriminating emails and data files, but an early picture is emerging of bureaucratic malfeasance, government incompetence, and a political manipulation of data and shutting up of objecting voices.

It is clear from the graph above that postal charges are the leading variable, and a clear cause of the climate change which is obviously the dependent variable in the causative correlation.

Al Fin climatologists expect that USPS and other US government officials will deny the obvious truth being displayed by the charts and the hacked computer files. But PostalGate has now acquired a life of its own, and can no longer be suppressed by government flacks or anyone else.

President Obama Ascends to Heaven from Cairo Mosque

Obama Points to Heavenly Choir Ready to Receive Him
President Obama ascended to heaven from the Sultan Hassan Mosque in Cairo, to join a heavenly choir of angels. In a final statement before departing his home planet, Obama apologised for the harm done to the world by previous US administrations. His last act as US President was to officially dissolve the United States.

"It's all one world now. I have done as much as I can, it is now up to you. If you want nuclear weapons, there is no one left to stop you. If you want to destroy all the Zionist states in the world, who is to say you can't? The economies of all the European governments around the world are now as good as dead. My job is done. Good-bye."

Hillary Clinton -- who was present at the ascension -- was initially too flabbergasted to speak. After 30 seconds she recovered, however, and spoke into the microphone -- despite the lack of a teleprompter (the ascended president's teleprompter had ascended with him).

"I am now in control," the Secretary of State declared. "I am now carrying the football, and Air Force One is right here. From that airplane I could order the destruction of the entire world." She glanced around quickly on hearing angry shouts from Iman Abdel Fateh and Dr. Zahi Hawass who were also in attendance at the mosque ascension.

"Oh don't worry, Imam! I'm not going to destroy anybody! I just want the people back home to understand that they still have to pay their taxes and obey the speed limits and all. Barack's ascension doesn't change a thing as far as how the US government does its job back home. Despite what Barack said, the US still exists. And despite what he said to the European press, the US isn't really a Muslim country you know."

After her speech, Mrs. Clinton was hustled away by secret service agents to Air Force One, where a quick conference call was set up with Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer to line up US Congressional support behind Mrs. Clinton's unorthodox succession to power. There are rumours that Ms. Pelosi is implementing plans of her own for an end run around the vice president to the presidency. News sources are remaining mum on the negotiations thus far.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden was last seen hurrying to an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. According to secret service agents on the scene, Mr. Biden was complaining -- to no one in particular -- mumbling under his breath ... "Barack gets ascended and I'm stuck in an underground bunker? What am I, chopped liver? I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this!"

When asked if he wanted to stick around and possibly get caught between Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton in an all-out war, Mr. Biden acquiesced, and was led quietly away to his bunker.

Cross posted to Abu Al Fin

Image Source

James Hansen Apologizes for Using Next Year's Climate Data in October Report

Commenters to top climate websites such as Climate Audit and Watts Up With That caught the hugely embarassing error made by James Hansen's GISS in the October global temperature anomaly. This is not the first time that GISS has been a stark outlier compared to other agencies. In fact, GISS is constantly issuing "corrections" months after they report a global anomaly. Al Fin was able to catch up with Hansen recently in New York, and questioned him about the embarassing mistake, and about the rumour that GISS is making up temperature data.

AF: Thank you for speaking with me on such short notice, Dr. Hansen. I wonder if you can provide our readers with some insight on what happened with October global temperature data at GISS?

JH: The climate is going to hell and you worry about one month's data? Look, I"m in a hurry to catch a plane to Brussels. I've explained the problem till I"m blue in the face. What more can I say? [begins to walk away]

AF: All my readers want to know is whether they can trust GISS global temperature reports after what happened for October.

JH: It was a simple mistake that anybody could make--damn those Russians!. We're already over the tipping point, it's going to be hell. GISS has the best data, you can trust it, we take the most care in our data and our models possible. [starts to turn toward the street to hail a taxi]

AF: Dr. Hansen, please, how do you answer the suggestions that GISS is simply making up data?

JH: [turns toward Al with a fierce expression] GISS is the best, understand? The best! Our models are good enough at predicting the future that we have compiled temperature data in advance! Not one year, not five years, not ten years--but fifty years in advance! We know the future. That knowledge informs our monthly reports.

AF: Excuse me, Dr. Hansen, but are you saying that you sometimes insert temperatures from your models into the Gistemp monthly temperature anomaly reports?

JH: Oh get off your high horse, young man! Do you know how hard it is to get reliable surface temperature readings? It's damned near impossible! You have to get your data wherever you can. At GISS, we feel that data from our models is better than real data. Our models have been approved by the IPCC, so you know they are good.

AF: Dr. Hansen, seriously. You can't really believe that output from a model is valid input for a monthly temperature anomaly report? That can't be science?

JH: Ah! I see! You're one of those deniers. Did Lindzen send you here to try to trap me into some kind of admission? What is your game, you young punk? [begins walking away quickly]

AF: Dr. Hansen! [runs after JH for one last question] What is the January 09 Gistemp anomaly going to show?

JH: [hails a cab, gets in, speeds away]

AF: [to himself] I suppose it will be whatever the man wants it to be. [shakes his head and hurries off to an appointment]

This news should not come as a big surprise to most AF readers. Ever since Al Gore was Vice President, and took control of NASA funding to favour his friends and personal causes, GISS has been a large beneficiary of federal funding. Not good news for space missions--siphoning money away from space to climate research--but very good news for Hansen and GISS. Since that time, James Hansen has been on the leading edge of the tipping point. No one has tipped further or harder than Hansen, and if the public ever stops believing in the climate catastrophe orthodoxy, no one will fall harder.

Update 16Nov08: Fascinating Telegraph article detailing the James Hansen Follies. The failure of the media to cover this topic in an objective and dispassionate way is largely responsible for the ability of the Hansens, Gores, and Pachauris to swindle governments and taxpayers. "Journalists" always seem to be too late to be of benefit to anyone but the swindlers.

Obama Vows to Change The Brains of the World

The supremely confident demeanour and exalted rhetoric of the Democratic nominee at a New Hampshire event betrayed that he is a man convinced he is poised to make history. _Telegraph

"Barak Obama is poised to change the brains of the world--all of them." Al Fin recently spoke with a former classmate, who is presently working deep inside the Obama Campaign's Magick Negro Tricks Division. When Al questioned his acquaintance about the odd name of his department, he was answered with a shrug and a sheepish grin.

"Obama has always been considered a magical negro, someone who can bridge the gap between black and white, a politician of wisdom and deep thought, with incredible powers of accomplishment. It may sound like a joke, but everyone in the campaign takes the idea very seriously."

AF: But what do you actually do in the campaign? Back at school you were always interested in behaviour modification of rhesus macaques. What does that have to do with a political campaign?

Acqu: You'd be surprised, Al. Humans are not that different from monkeys, when you cut through the false sophistication of language and culture. I was approached by the campaign because I was beginning to find clinical applications for some of what I have learned from research on monkey brains.

AF: Fascinating! Tell me more.

Acqu: Alright. But I can only tell you so much, before the election. You know that the brain stores beliefs and behaviour patterns in a hard-wired fashion?
(AF nods)
So. When you want to modify beliefs and behaviour, you have to take into account what is already there?

AF: Yes, go on.

Acqu: Oh, Al! I'll give you the nutshell view, but don't ask me to explain more deeply.

AF: Fine, whatever you can tell me.

Acqu: Alright. Here's the basic approach:

1. Map current belief patterns in the population at the rally location with Obama campaign talking points.
2. Take every possible connection and Repeat, repeat, repeat!
3. Arrange for “firing together.” Juxtapose local beliefs and undercurrents with Obama slogans.
4. Be consistent in building positive connections for Obama, and extremely negative connections for "the other".
5. Don’t stress your mistakes. Don’t reinforce neuronal networks that aren’t useful.
6. Keep going back to existing brain networks and subtly add to them. Nothing is completely new. Just alter what is there
7. Misconnected brain networks are most often just incomplete. Try to coopt them, own them for Obama.
8. Be careful about resurrecting old networks that contradict the message; common sense that contradicts the message dies hard.
9. Construct metaphors and insist that your students adopt campaign metaphors -- like change, hope, he is the one, etc.
10. Use nonsensical analogies and similes like, "we are the ones we've been waiting for."

It all hinges on understanding the brain networks that are already there, and knowing how to twist them so that Obama seems like a natural fit. Make them think it's their own idea!

AF: Ahummm! I see. But how is that different from politics as normally practised?

Acqu: Okay, good point. But you would have to visit our test lab to understand how sophisticated we have become. Say, Al! We could use someone with your clinical skills right about now. In fact, some of our latest techniques borrow from your ideas on the micro-timing of brain communication.

AF: Really? Well, I hope you give me some public credit if you are using my ideas!

Acqu: Now, Al, you know we can't give public credit for any of this. It's still secret, for goodness sakes. Seriously, now. Do you think you can make some time to work with us over the next couple of weeks? We can make it worth your time.

AF: Indeed? Perhaps you should allow me to sleep on that idea. I try not to make spare of the moment decisions about anything as important as this seems to be.

Acqu: Sure. Will you be at your hotel tonight, if I need to contact you?

AF: Hmmmm? Oh, yes. My plane does not leave until 6 in the morning. Thanks for your time.

Acqu: No problem. We'll be in touch.

To readers from assistant blog administrator: We have been unable to reach Al Fin since he submitted this dispatch for editing last night. He has been unavailable by landline, cell, text messaging, email, or encrypted satellite phone.

Mr. Fin's domestic android, Valerie, says that she has neither seen nor heard from Mr. Fin since yesterday morning when he rushed out of the house to make an early flight. We will update with new information as it becomes available.


Brain network teaching methods adapted from the work of James Zull H/T Alvaro at Sharp Brains

Intriguing findings on the timing of brain perception and behaviour relating to earlier Al Fin postings on cognition and AI

The Alternate Universe of Barak Obama

From The People's Cube:

Separated from his evil twin at birth, Good Obama happily grew up among the friendly and altruistic Marxists, while Evil Obama had the misfortune of being raised by distant cousin Lynne Cheney and her conniving husband Dick. This explains Evil Obama's bitterness that is causing him to cling to his Bible, guns, and victory in Iraq.

To prevent Evil Obama's attempts to destroy his good brother's presidential campaign, it is crucial that the twins are correctly identified, especially when they are speaking in public or to the media.

The differences between the two are subtle, yet the following tips may help the journalists, activists, and other conscientious members of the progressive community to stop the deceitful culprit.

The signs to look for are a flag pin, goatee, eye patch, a long facial scar, or a combination thereof. Keep in mind that Evil Obama is prone to change appearances and often uses a number of disguises or no disguise at all, which can be confusing.

But perhaps the most effective way to tell the two Obamas is to hear what they are actually saying. If the Obama in front of you isn't vague and repetitive, doesn't make you feel like fainting, and doesn't send tingles up your leg, chances are it's his evil twin. _People'sCube

I confess that I myself have been troubled by the inability to tell Barak from his evil twin Mu-Barak, from the Mu universe, an alternate mirror universe to our own. Fortunately, I happened upon the convenient detailed guide above. Don't let the evil Mu-twin get away with his scheme. Make sure you vote for the right left correct twin.

Obama's New Lapel Pin: Obama's New America

Barack Obama is already looking ahead to his new America--an America with 57 states, or is it 58? 59? 60? One can never have too many states in a country, after all, and Obama only wants to be sure he has enough.

Yesterday The Ticket broke the stunning news of America's acquisition of seven, maybe eight, new states, according to future president Barack Obama.

He was speaking at the start of a two-day swoop through Oregon, which is already a state.

In Beaverton, which is not a state yet, the Democrat let it slip that during this marathon 16-month party presidential nomination struggle against a bunch of dropouts and this female political zombie from New York who won't surrender short of a silver stake, he had already visited 57 states with one more to go.

That's not counting the existing states of Alaska and Hawaii, he said, which his staff decided aren't important enough to visit. __LAT

Whether this more aggressive Obama is looking to add minor states such as Puerto Rico or Mexico to the US, or whether he has become bold enough to begin adding larger new states such as South America and Africa, remains to be clarified by the Obama campaign.

A more expansionary Obama may come as a surprise to many of his supporters, who were planning to vote for him based merely on Obama's promises to withdraw US forces from Iraq. But if Obama is planning to withdraw the US military from Iraq only to use the troops to enlarge his brave new empire, some of his supporters may begin to have second thoughts.

This not the sort of talk one expects from presidential candidates. Rather, it is the sort of talk one expects from Caesars and Tsars.

While we wait for further clarification from the Obama campaign, we might want to start a betting pool on which countries are likely to be added to the US first. What am I bid for Venezuela?

Announcing Oynklent Green: A New Energy Future

The world is in need of an abundant source of renewable energy. Al Fin Blog Syndicates is proud to announce the IPO for Oynklent Green [OTC: OYNK], the new corrupt-politician-to-biofuels thermochemical process which promises an unlimited new source of biofuels, which will actually result in more available food and cropland--not less.

An earlier Al Fin article threw the idea out as a trial balloon, and I must say the response has been most gratifying. Knowing that turkey and pork processing waste products are being used to create biodiesel, and understanding how closely related corrupt politicians are to both turkeys and pigs, the scientists at Al Fin Laboratories quickly began work on a top-secret project to perfect the "corrupt-politican-to-biofuels" (CPTB) process.

I am happy to report that the CPTB process was easier to perfect than anticipated, as the process used for turkeys and pigs was transferrable almost entirely to corrupt politicians! That happy coincidence combined with a groundswell of public support and financing allows me to announce the IPO for OYNK.

Due to problems with the SEC resulting from the rapid organisation and venture funding of OYNK, all stock transactions must take place via e-mail. But be assured that all Oynklent Green accounting will be overseen by the same accounting firm that oversaw the energy giant Enron, Arthur Andersen (re-organised).

So purchase your stock today, before Oynklent Green becomes so big as to be unaffordable. Remember, "Energy is People!"

United Nations Issues Stern Easter Warning to UK

UN Roads Commission spokesperson Likshmi Singh issued a stern weather warning to all roads departments within the UK, at a well-attended press conference in NYC. "UK road conditions are very treacherous, and drivers should stay home and off the roads whenever possible. If they absolutely must be on the roads, FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAKE THEM DRIVE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD! The extreme Easter weather conditions will simply not allow the normal UK highway hooliganism to continue."

Shocked reporters from the BBC insisted that Singh be more specific. "Are you saying that drivers in the UK should drive in the opposite lanes, against all conventions?"

Singh was adamant: "The old excuse that "everyone is doing it" is no longer acceptable", Singh said. "Driving on the wrong side of the road is a luxury the UK can no longer afford, now that climate change is making conditions so treacherous. The UK needs to remember that it is not a world empire any more. It cannot set the rules for everyone now."

In the image above, snow-stricken Britons are seen huddling together from the cold at water's edge. Driven from their cars by drift-covered roads, they are seen contemplating swimming south across the waters to warmer climes.

Top-Secret Ethanol Pipeline Compromised!

For some time we at Al Fin have been hearing disturbing news coming from America's heartland. Members of a shadowy organisation that calls itself "AV" appear to be stealing strategic fuel from a secret and vitally important energy pipeline. The loss of these strategic pipeline reserves places America in grave danger from the dreaded "Peak Energy!"

We are now allowed to reveal for the first time, that agents of Al Fin have infiltrated the mysterious and sinister group known as "AV," to bring you this exclusive report. Further, at great risk to himself and his operatives, Al Fin himself has obtained an early copy of the top-secret pipeline route--a map that was supposed to have been destroyed, and all copies burned!

Here is a partially burned transcript of a conversation between Al Fin and the leader of "AV", occurring inside an abandoned auto parts factory outside of Akron:

Al Fin: You sure have a lot of booze around here! Where do you get it?

AV: [suspiciously] Why youse wanna know?

Al Fin: I thought I might buy some from you. Interested?

AV: [greedily] Sure. It's 50 cents a gallon and don't try to Jew me down neither!

Al Fin: I wouldn't think of it, old boy. By the way, what does AV stand for? Is it some kind of terrorist gang?

AV: AV stands for "alcoholics victorious" get it? Not that stupid AA, alcoholics anonymous. Alcoholics victorious! We ain't no terrorist gang. We's a agnostico-environmental orgn'sation.

Al Fin: Agnostico-environmental organisation? What does that mean, anyway?

AV: It means we's agnostic bouts the environment.

Al Fin: You mean, you don't know if the environment actually exists?

AV: Thassright! We never go outside if we can hep it. So how would we know whas out there?

[editor's note: observe that AV's speech appears to become more incoherent as the conversation goes on. We suspect that he was continuing to drink the pure ethanol throughout the conversation]

Al Fin: Is it possible that your group could be responsible for theft of ethanol from the top-secret ethanol pipeline?

AV: [frowning] If'so to'secret, how's you hear bout?

At this point in the narrative, severe charring of the transcript makes it completely illegible.

Piecing together other bits of evidence from the Al Fin team report, the AV group had managed to track the pipeline's secret route by using pocket mass spectrometers--which detected trace levels of chemical congeners unique to fuel-grade bio-ethanol. By installing secret taps into the strategic ethanol pipeline, AV had drained the nation's energy reserves so low, that a crisis is looming.

At this point in time, Al Fin is missing--unaccounted for. Surviving team members report that Al Fin insisted on going back into AV headquarters alone, to get the rest of the evidence. The brave team leader insisted that other team members return to home base, and report.

Naturally, we have passed along the information we have received, to President Obama's new Department of Homeland Security Chief. We can only hope that Al Fin will escape from AV headquarters before DHS performs its inevitable raid. One tries not to think about it...all that alcohol...echoes of Waco...