08 September 2012

President Putin Cements Russia's Alliance with Animal Kingdom

MOSCOW-- In a surprise announcement this morning, President Vladimir Putin announced the signing of a binding alliance between Russia and the entire animal kingdom. Al Fin was able to interview the Russian president shortly after he made his announcement.

Al Fin: President Putin, what do you hope to gain from this alliance, and how much of the animal kingdom is involved?

President Putin: Yes, I know what you western media people will say, that this just involves sheep and horses, and baby goats. But you are in for a big surprise. We are now allied with the entire animal kingdom, from the smallest to the largest, and the most deadly.

AF: But what do you hope to prove with all of this?

Putin: Have you ever ridden on a shark's back, whatever your name is?

AF: Well, no. But what benefit will the Russian people obtain from an alliance with the animal kingdom?

Putin: Finally we have found a way to force you all to do whatever we want you to do!

AF: What do you mean?

Putin: Let us say that we give you an ultimatum to abandon all your military installations. You cannot refuse. If you do, all of your animals will revolt and kill you in your sleep!

AF: But what if we don't sleep with animals?

Putin: Stupid fool whoever you are! We will send mosquitoes, flies, ticks, fleas, tiny animals too small to see. All of them carry deadly diseases that will wipe the smirks off your complacent western faces.

AF: Yes, I see. But what can you offer the animal kingdom in return for its willingness to turn against your enemies?

Putin: We have agreed to sign on to the great green global human dieoff, to reduce the non-Russian population of Earth to around 100 million, mostly in South Africa, Patagonia, and Newfoundland.

AF: Do the animals truly want to do away with almost all humans? What about domestic dogs and cats, wouldn't they object to your plan?

Putin: We had some trouble with those, but the bears, wolves, tigers, and lions soon got them back in line with the rest.

AF: What about your allies in China and India? You seem to be implying that most of their populations will have to die off.

Putin: Implying? No, you idiot! I am telling you that we and the animal kingdom have come to an agreement that leaves everyone else very little choice.

AF: Are you quite certain that the animal kingdom will do all of these things that you claim?

Putin: Do you truly wish to take that chance, whatever your name is, western propagandist?

AF: Well. Thank you very much for your time, President Putin. [Putin stomps off and mounts a crane for a publicity flight over Moscow]

Image Credits: TNR

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