Top-Secret Ethanol Pipeline Compromised!

For some time we at Al Fin have been hearing disturbing news coming from America's heartland. Members of a shadowy organisation that calls itself "AV" appear to be stealing strategic fuel from a secret and vitally important energy pipeline. The loss of these strategic pipeline reserves places America in grave danger from the dreaded "Peak Energy!"

We are now allowed to reveal for the first time, that agents of Al Fin have infiltrated the mysterious and sinister group known as "AV," to bring you this exclusive report. Further, at great risk to himself and his operatives, Al Fin himself has obtained an early copy of the top-secret pipeline route--a map that was supposed to have been destroyed, and all copies burned!

Here is a partially burned transcript of a conversation between Al Fin and the leader of "AV", occurring inside an abandoned auto parts factory outside of Akron:

Al Fin: You sure have a lot of booze around here! Where do you get it?

AV: [suspiciously] Why youse wanna know?

Al Fin: I thought I might buy some from you. Interested?

AV: [greedily] Sure. It's 50 cents a gallon and don't try to Jew me down neither!

Al Fin: I wouldn't think of it, old boy. By the way, what does AV stand for? Is it some kind of terrorist gang?

AV: AV stands for "alcoholics victorious" get it? Not that stupid AA, alcoholics anonymous. Alcoholics victorious! We ain't no terrorist gang. We's a agnostico-environmental orgn'sation.

Al Fin: Agnostico-environmental organisation? What does that mean, anyway?

AV: It means we's agnostic bouts the environment.

Al Fin: You mean, you don't know if the environment actually exists?

AV: Thassright! We never go outside if we can hep it. So how would we know whas out there?

[editor's note: observe that AV's speech appears to become more incoherent as the conversation goes on. We suspect that he was continuing to drink the pure ethanol throughout the conversation]

Al Fin: Is it possible that your group could be responsible for theft of ethanol from the top-secret ethanol pipeline?

AV: [frowning] If'so to'secret, how's you hear bout?

At this point in the narrative, severe charring of the transcript makes it completely illegible.

Piecing together other bits of evidence from the Al Fin team report, the AV group had managed to track the pipeline's secret route by using pocket mass spectrometers--which detected trace levels of chemical congeners unique to fuel-grade bio-ethanol. By installing secret taps into the strategic ethanol pipeline, AV had drained the nation's energy reserves so low, that a crisis is looming.

At this point in time, Al Fin is missing--unaccounted for. Surviving team members report that Al Fin insisted on going back into AV headquarters alone, to get the rest of the evidence. The brave team leader insisted that other team members return to home base, and report.

Naturally, we have passed along the information we have received, to President Obama's new Department of Homeland Security Chief. We can only hope that Al Fin will escape from AV headquarters before DHS performs its inevitable raid. One tries not to think about it...all that alcohol...echoes of Waco...